Could You, Would You, In Your Life?

Truth and Beauty

A Softer World

There’s a thousand and one ways for you to kill the passing hour
There’s a million and one ways to kill a day
A billion and one to kill a week

A trillion and one in your lifetime

I think a big part of growing up and becoming an independent being
Involves a major lesson on how to be a child again
Actually, growing up involves a lot of lessons

1. Appreciate the little things
It’s the simple, small things that allow you to really grasp how awesome your life is. I know the bills pile up and the days seem to get longer, but it doesn’t matter against the little things.
Your loved one puts a simple post-it on the front door saying “I love you” that you see just as you leave for work.
When you only need a twenty five cents more for your purchase and the person behind gives it to you.
Your waiter offers free refills on something that normally would’ve been extra.

Last night I had one of those moments. We were sitting at the bar and watching as Flash, an older black man, sings soulfully into the mic, smiling at the women who giggle to each other. All of a sudden, a new song comes on and my love sets down my beer, grabs my hand and pulls me onto the dance floor, where we sway slowly, spinning softly, to Elvis.
“Take my hand, take my whole life too / For I can’t help falling in love with you.” 

2. Do not regret what you’ve done in life because at that time, it was exactly what you wanted.
I’m guilty of sitting and regretting A LOT in my life. It’s something everybody does. But there’s value in those things you “regret”. Those drunken nights, those loud arguments in the driveway, the desire to run from the only people who’ve been there from the beginning, not staying in school, quitting a job for false pride. All of these things people can look back on and regret but honestly, would you be where you are today if they hadn’t happened?

Each experience, action, or memory that you look back on with just a little bit more perspective and a tighter hold of the big picture is something to be appreciated, not regretted. Those times built you, showed you where to go, who to trust, gave you the opportunity to be the bigger person, and challenged you to not be content with what you used to be and instead seek improvement and betterment of your self.

3. Remember that the internet isn’t life. There’s the outside as well.
This one’s silly and something that we all heard from our parents growing up.
“It’s a beautiful day today, why don’t you go outside?”
Despite how many times they said it, we still had to be locked outside for a decent couple of hours on a regular basis. At the time, yes, you’re having a fantastic adventure through jungles and hiding from cars but it’s not until years later that suddenly, as you’re sitting in an office or on your lunch break, sweating from manual labor or wearing a jacket in your cubicle, that you miss being able to go play in the mud.

Even if your not an outdoors person, you can still enjoy a nice afternoon outside. I know here in Houston that’s a little impossible right now but eventually!!! A picnic by the bayou, take the dogs to the dog park, challenge your friend to a go-kart race, or just join friends/family for a dip in the pool.

Whenever I get bored with being “grown up” and “responsible”, I invite someone out to eat. And then I initiate a spitball war. Or just throwing random things at each other war. But it never hurts to relax once in a while and just act like a child.

I remember going out to eat and getting told to be quiet and sit still a couple years back by someone. Said that I was being childish and embarrassing them. What I remember most though, was the fact that while they were embarrassed, I was just mad they didn’t try to understand. You don’t have to act like a grown-up all the time. Remember that, boy.

Life is something to be cherished, fully appreciated, a reason to be grateful and an opportunity to do more than just make a paycheck.

Little One & Jennyzilla

Is it worth it?
Three years ago, I might’ve said no.
I might’ve  just walked away
Thinking no one would notice

But I didn’t, I maintained connection,
Not well, I’m ashamed to admit
But they stayed in my mind,
And randomly, a memory would cause me to reach out
Just to say hello and I miss you

Months went by, then years

Jojo, Little One, & Jennyzilla 2011

Promises to come visit never fulfilled
And then, after breaking hearts and raising hell,
I finally came home

I was scared of rejection,
And being resented for never coming by
For dropping off the face of the planet
Due to drinking my solitude away and seeking a friend
Thinking that I was finally living my life
But finding myself, curled in a blanket every night
Wanting my companions of old
To sit and talk

So I put on a brave face,
Put aside my false pride
And picked up the phone,
Beginning with an apology
And asking for a friendship back that I had taken for granted

When we were once more all in the same room,
Our three minds fell back into our old patterns
Swept up in the happiness that I hadn’t realized was missing
There weren’t resentments, just some tears at my absence

Slowly, we talked, laughed and reminisced,
Shared our three years of separation
And reveled in how we’ve grown but still stayed the same
Carrying memories of us in the heart

I felt my bones begin slipping back into place,
My muscles began to tingle, eager to stand up
My skin held on carefully, keeping me in check
And I felt the cracks throughout my life
Begin to finally heal

I finally jumped up after months of subtle support
And smiling, turn out my hands
To hold onto my two girls,
Who smile at my drunk moments,
Slap me on the head when I act stupid,
And offer unconditional friendship

I missed you ladies so much while I was gone.
Being back, and having y’all back in my life
Showed me that everything could be ok
And that it’s alright to break down and ask for help
I can’t do it on my own

Little One & Jennyzilla, you helped me
Once more regain my old self
And laugh with everything I have

In August, it will be ten years,
And we will continue counting until we can breathe no more
Together, we will ride to hell
And lord help the devil himself,
When we get down there, it’s going to be crazy

<3

Service Engine Light

Eyes stretch open against the bright curtains
Feel the bones settled, unwilling to start
Gears caught, oil needing a change
A forgotten machine, in desperate need of attention

Force everything into motion
Vision wavers as it scans the surroundings
Exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale
Forward, hup!
A new dawn, a new day
The same as every day

Seek out the driving force
The small spark, buried within my chest
Flickering weakly, pushing me forward
There is more, there is more
Where is more?
I have sought for meaning
I have sought for purpose
Machines need direction

Actions and rituals, plateau of life
No visible progress
Another day in this town
Another day passes by in a daze
Service engine light
Blinking rapidly, it too broken

Get into the car
Holding my life in my two hands
Beneath a ring of plastic and rubber,
Connected to a speed machine
Windows recede and the wind enters
Here is the joy so sought after
I am flying

There may seem to be nothing accomplished
Following a broken yellow line
Racing past fence posts, through county lines
Wave to others, soar over hills
Lose my stomach on the drops
Swing back to consciousness
Gasp as the wheel jerks to avoid obstacle after obstacle
Laugh as freedom brushes my lips
Smile with the sudden independence
No one relies on my appearance, I rely on no one
I fly again, free as a bird yet stuck to the ground

Only to come back, to the bed where I began
Take the key from the ignition
Bones settle back into rest
Gears slow and grind to a halt
Service engine light temporarily ignored
Wait for tomorrow, when all thoughts and actions repeat once more