Tag Archives: knowledge

You Are Someone Special

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Daddy told me a long long time ago,

Thank You for being patient and helping me learn my heart's strength through trial and torture.

You are someone special, you are intelligent, and you are beautiful
You can do anything you want
And at the time, all I did was fire back retorts, shooting down every comment

Special? I’m just a number in my high school. I look the same as everyone else. To be “special” is to be “popular”. I wasn’t.

Intelligent? I got a ‘C’ in this class and only one ‘A’ on the whole report card while all my friends got straight ‘A’s.

Anything I want? I want to dig a hole to china. Can’t do that! I want to go to the moon! Can’t do that (thx Obama).

But now, even though I haven’t really done much with my life, I’ve experienced life
And it took me being treated like I was something that wasn’t special that made me realize I am.  I heard my parents in the background, telling me that if someone loved me, they wouldn’t send me home crying every night, they wouldn’t fight with me regularly until 3 a.m. when my phone was just taken away, if someone truly loved me they would respect ME.
I thought I took in that information. But then I “loved” a man who threatened to stray constantly, who had the backbone of a six year old and an IQ to match, a man who only showed me he cared when I left and didn’t walk back in the door saying it was a joke.  And I realized that while I was respected, to a certain degree, I was not fully appreciated nor being given one hundred percent in response to my hundred and ten that I handed over, free of charge.
So I tried again, and allowed myself to be used, ignored, humiliated, and turned into something of little importance other than companionship so as not to be seen alone at the bar. I blinded myself to the trash talking the second I wasn’t in the room and the constant stories of your history and personality. But I thought I could make you something. I was wrong. And thank god I was. THANK GOD I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG. Because why?

Because, as a result of all those trials and broken, trampled hearts I left in the dust, I discovered the man my daddy told me about at age 12. I discovered a man who respects me, who listens, who appreciates and who lets me know that I’m in his thoughts, whether there physically or not. With this man, I feel like a capable human being, intelligent, beautiful, someone special. I feel special. And I hope he feels special, because my god, the man is the lottery ticket no numbers can claim, nor some random person in Ohio. This lottery ticket is mine, all mine, and I am forever keeping it alongside my heart.

We watch tv together on the couch and I lean my head to place it on your chest. Your heart pounds steadily, a deep solid beat. As I lay there, I check my heart rate, fluttering wildly, it begins to slow down over a period of several minutes. I check ten minutes later, and it beats at the same rhythm as yours. I smile and you kiss me softly on the head. Then my heart rate loses all sense of tempo and begins beating wildly, threatening to burst from within my ribcage, until I quell it with a meaningful kiss, one that tells each other, you are my world and my everything. I only want you. For the rest of my life. And wherever we go after our bodies have finished. I. Want. You.

Spinning in Confusion

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I spin in a circle, caught up in my own head
Wondering paranoid delusions and fantastical situations
I am turning upon the concrete and smiling to a moon so bright
Feel as if the stars are a maze, to travel through
Perhaps upon these sparse lights
My upside-down world could take shape and explain itself to me
Maybe I could disappear into the sky
Fly upon the wings of clouds and time alike
To a mind like no other
To a dream of truth and wonder
Tiptoe across the rings of Saturn
And breathe where there is no air to consume
It would make more sense than what lies within my own eyes
Each word I feel dance upon my lips and retreat
Every instance of enlightenment frantically fades
As a gasp of knowledge flies from my mouth
Only to fall short with nothing to follow
Spinning as a mad hatter

Could we all learn to be so unknowing?
Would it be so terrible to lose these improvements of the brain
That have resulted only in problems, disease, emotions, and confusion?
Confusion has set upon my shoulders with a desire to stay
But I hate permanence and I hate dust
Yet no other human can lay out the missing puzzle piece
Every other piece is there except two
The one a stranger holds, the one to give me a sense of complacency
And the piece I hold to my heart
Imprinted so solidly from the grip I have sustained
These pieces must be in place before I die
But first

I must stop spinning
I must erase this confusion of a brain
I must sit and  know
I must understand why, why to everything
Why him, why her, why this, why that, why it, why what
It all must be laid out, be it in a map, in the sky, in the bathtub, in my own reflection
To know is to allow freedom of my puzzle piece
And finally finish my self-portrait

Can’t Run From It

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She hid it in the cupboard first
To gather cobwebs and hide
But they found it
So she hid it in her desk
To decompose quietly
But she kept seeing it
So she put it under her bed
But like the princess and the pea
It burned a hole through the mattress at night
She moved it to her car
To be ignored
But it sang louder than the radio
So she decided to wear it on her sleeve
You can’t ignore something so strong
For very long
And when she moved it,
It became quieter
It shined and blinded those around
But it comforted her
And wouldn’t weigh her conscience at night

For the first time in a long time,
A full night’s rest
Came to her
And she awoke with a smile
That wasn’t so hard
But she quickly learned
For those who were blinded
There were many who saw it for a challenge
And beat it brutally
But she stood strong,
Building armor, setting up obstacles
And in the process
She realized how truly complicated
And similarly how truly simple
Love was

Flee With the Wind

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She comes out from behind the shady blocks of gray

The grass suddenly glistens in the burst of light

The world seems to hug this blast of energy

Warming up slowly, one has to smile

Embrace the sunshine, open my arms

You’ll find me in the waist-high grass

Spinning in circles, picking blue-bonnets

Aching to follow that paved road leading to nowhere

It could take me somewhere

Can’t stay still, can’t be content for so long

I feel the restlessness creeping in

That peaceful sleep which graced me has faltered

Laying, tossing and turning, thinking of those people

Those unmet smiles and unshaken hands

What of those cows hiding in the brush?

What of the unexplored antique stores?

What of the other small towns?

I can wiggle in anywhere and make a place for myself

Why can’t I leave?

I tied myself down, thinking it would bring smiles to others

I know it will pass my face and touch it gently

I will smile, to appease the audience

Inside, my heart yearns to flee

I’m not scared

There’s just so much to see and record

So much to photograph and write about

So much to gather and show others

So much to share