Tag Archives: heart on your sleeve

You Are Someone Special

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Daddy told me a long long time ago,

Thank You for being patient and helping me learn my heart's strength through trial and torture.

You are someone special, you are intelligent, and you are beautiful
You can do anything you want
And at the time, all I did was fire back retorts, shooting down every comment

Special? I’m just a number in my high school. I look the same as everyone else. To be “special” is to be “popular”. I wasn’t.

Intelligent? I got a ‘C’ in this class and only one ‘A’ on the whole report card while all my friends got straight ‘A’s.

Anything I want? I want to dig a hole to china. Can’t do that! I want to go to the moon! Can’t do that (thx Obama).

But now, even though I haven’t really done much with my life, I’ve experienced life
And it took me being treated like I was something that wasn’t special that made me realize I am.  I heard my parents in the background, telling me that if someone loved me, they wouldn’t send me home crying every night, they wouldn’t fight with me regularly until 3 a.m. when my phone was just taken away, if someone truly loved me they would respect ME.
I thought I took in that information. But then I “loved” a man who threatened to stray constantly, who had the backbone of a six year old and an IQ to match, a man who only showed me he cared when I left and didn’t walk back in the door saying it was a joke.  And I realized that while I was respected, to a certain degree, I was not fully appreciated nor being given one hundred percent in response to my hundred and ten that I handed over, free of charge.
So I tried again, and allowed myself to be used, ignored, humiliated, and turned into something of little importance other than companionship so as not to be seen alone at the bar. I blinded myself to the trash talking the second I wasn’t in the room and the constant stories of your history and personality. But I thought I could make you something. I was wrong. And thank god I was. THANK GOD I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG. Because why?

Because, as a result of all those trials and broken, trampled hearts I left in the dust, I discovered the man my daddy told me about at age 12. I discovered a man who respects me, who listens, who appreciates and who lets me know that I’m in his thoughts, whether there physically or not. With this man, I feel like a capable human being, intelligent, beautiful, someone special. I feel special. And I hope he feels special, because my god, the man is the lottery ticket no numbers can claim, nor some random person in Ohio. This lottery ticket is mine, all mine, and I am forever keeping it alongside my heart.

We watch tv together on the couch and I lean my head to place it on your chest. Your heart pounds steadily, a deep solid beat. As I lay there, I check my heart rate, fluttering wildly, it begins to slow down over a period of several minutes. I check ten minutes later, and it beats at the same rhythm as yours. I smile and you kiss me softly on the head. Then my heart rate loses all sense of tempo and begins beating wildly, threatening to burst from within my ribcage, until I quell it with a meaningful kiss, one that tells each other, you are my world and my everything. I only want you. For the rest of my life. And wherever we go after our bodies have finished. I. Want. You.

Blue Eyes Lost

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The calm of the storm has finally arisen to coast me gently upon my fated shore
In the gentle pull of a violin, every tear coaxes quickly upon my eyes
In a blink, they are hidden, only to be called back into motion for another wave
It is a quiet pondering that leads me to release all that I hold
In a moment, a stoic figure breaks to the floor,
Content upon warmed cement to lie there, despising the ever increasing puddle
To soak upon my face and remind me of that which I have run from

I observe one twine amongst silk, high upon the air
Gently caressing each delicate twist to add a mystic feeling of love
And love lost

“These blue eyes and this gaze have loved and lost… but mostly lost in my life”

I wish to once again rise to your lips but in every seeping tear
I see my reasons to hide away, in a softened solitude
And whilst I have laid upon this floor, hour after hour, wishing to take it back
I know that what is done must be done
So I ignore your calls, I ignore your empty frantically grasping hands
I turn my back, as though turning from a burning human
The solidarity upon my spine
Inches in, close to breaking, but I continue to turn

The music progresses to a tale of hearts broken and an insignificant feeling
A feeling of being forgotten
But you won’t be forgotten
For even still, in my darkest moments,
In the pacing memories that ache to reign me in, I see your face
Gazing with a romance never felt to hold me forever,
Nose to nose, breathing together, a heartfelt embrace
Of twined legs and awkwardly jointed arms
Refusing to let go, refusing to give in to the honesty of the moment

Believe me when I say,
You are never far from sight or mind,
I will watch and I will wait
For a day to once again, encroach upon a life so tumbled
So disjointed and so comfortable

Can’t Run From It

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She hid it in the cupboard first
To gather cobwebs and hide
But they found it
So she hid it in her desk
To decompose quietly
But she kept seeing it
So she put it under her bed
But like the princess and the pea
It burned a hole through the mattress at night
She moved it to her car
To be ignored
But it sang louder than the radio
So she decided to wear it on her sleeve
You can’t ignore something so strong
For very long
And when she moved it,
It became quieter
It shined and blinded those around
But it comforted her
And wouldn’t weigh her conscience at night

For the first time in a long time,
A full night’s rest
Came to her
And she awoke with a smile
That wasn’t so hard
But she quickly learned
For those who were blinded
There were many who saw it for a challenge
And beat it brutally
But she stood strong,
Building armor, setting up obstacles
And in the process
She realized how truly complicated
And similarly how truly simple
Love was