Tag Archives: freedom

Cage Within a Bird

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*I published this several months ago and took it down for reasons known to myself. But I still like how it was put together and the emotion that I threw behind it. So I’m putting it back up, for poetic reasons rather than a message.

**This no longer applies to my current situation. Just for clarification.

–

I look and within that all-knowing glance
I feel the sorrow that has torn from within
Twisted, burned arms wrench
From beneath the gut and pierce through a raspy throat
A sorrow so overwhelming 
For what I have done,
There will never be enough apologies
But what is done is done

Perhaps it is a set up designed to fail
Perhaps the blueprints are off scale
Should I run from this as I have before?
But in fear, nothing will be accomplished
In a backbone delivered generation through generation
I will sit up straight,
Break the fingers that hold the throat closed
And with a guarded tongue,
All shall be spoken in truth

I cannot tell you that I will fall into your arms
I cannot tell you I shall once more kiss such lips

Instead, I can tell you I shall look upon you
And I will smile
For a cage within a bird
Lies a smaller bird, just as eager for flight
In lapsing time, freedom shall remain mine
But we can smile together
And know what lies in our hearts

Happy, Halted Machinery

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Slow-motion, I see my room turn sideways
Beds lie, held by unseen gravity, to walls
In a moment of disbelief, I wait until reality chooses to reveal itself
Lie silently, hands clasped upon my chest,
I feel as if to lie in a coffin of cotton sheets
In the dim moonlight peeking through the blinds,
I look beside me at the cold, untouched pillow
My fingers trace the folds in the sheet, reaching for a ghost

Finally, I have broken
Finally, I have felt the relief of a thousand tears
My face rests on a soaked cushion, and I cannot open my eyes
Bones weary as if running a machine
Finally, the muscles have given in
A rigid routine, destroyed from lack of attention
A glorious machine, with years of perfect operation
Grind with a great sigh to a halt well overdue

A sleep, so fleeting and hazy, returns to grace me
If only for a night
And amidst the tears and the maniacal laughter, I feel a comfort
My life may not fall directly within the lines of any definition
My choices may perplex all who inquire
But for once, I feel as a child

Free 

I feel content, happy
Tonight, I know I won’t feel the terrors that grip my subconscious so often
If only for tonight, I will dream
Of flowers and ponies, of carnivals and cotton candy
Relinquishing hold of all that I refused to acknowledge,

I can smile
There’s only one thing that could truly make this better
But that will come with time
I will wait for the blue gaze to share mine
But until then,
I will sleep soundly
If only for tonight

Streams Not Yet Forged

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In a ritualistic fashion, we shall all lay blame
To whatever has chosen to bring us to our final places
Where I walk today, is of no one’s fault but my own

Follow the Sun

Follow the Sun

Yet I don’t find fault in my footsteps
These feet ring with confidence, despite all that lies beneath
In a wide stride, pavement passes beneath me
Hopeful eyes seek to see just beyond the next turn
I shall never fade, I shall never stop
There will never be a total complete feeling,
Of this I have come to realize
Movement is what I was made for
Move, with the skies, with the clouds, flow across the gravel pathway
I shall carry in my current all that wishes to follow
Yet I cannot shake a boulder from its home
Despite infinite efforts, a boulder shall remain
So instead, attention is brought upon helpless pebbles,
Churning through rapids, unpredictable in speed and strength

I shall walk, I shall swim, I shall fly, I shall drive
Wherever the wind and the road has chosen to lead
I can do nothing but follow,
Pausing only to stare upon wildflowers and fields of grass
Grace a man on the side of the road, to purchase fruit
In appeasing an ever hungry appetite, and filling a man’s purse for his family
There can be no disappointment, no sorrow
There can only be discovery, experience, and learned lessons

My nightmares do not arise because of you
They do not arise because of words that he has chosen to transcribe
They do not come to mind in tune with a quietly beating heart
Instead, they rise from my imagination
From my inability to keep my eyes from the rearview mirror
These things will never leave me, of this I know
Yet, in walking farther and farther, into a sunset unknown
I feel their weight lightening, ever lightening
And in every hand I shake and every smile I give,
A purpose behind my travels begins to shine, brighter than the sun

The heavens cannot rain forever, the clouds cannot fight the wind
In time, my troubles shall fade with the weather
In postcards returned to addresses longing to be forgotten
They all will know of how far I have come,
And how far I will go

It is not only for the nightmares,
It is for the enlightenment of a life unseen
It is for the knowledge of what lies beneath stones unturned
And trees not yet climbed
Mountains not yet traversed
And streams not yet forged

I shall know this world as only I could see it
And one day, my travels will lie unfinished,
As my weary bones finally give way
To the fate that calls us all
With no tears shed, I shall lie down
And breathe a final breath of victory and satisfaction

To be Free At Last

Churning Solitude

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“Help. I have lost myself again.” – “Breathe Me” by Sia

In the churning waters, I feel my naked body dropped
The piano surrounds me, each note heavy with implications
Through the frothing waves, I push off from the bottom
Burst to the top, gasp for the ungrateful life
But in the silence that follows
I can only look through the misty air
And swallow my surroundings
There is no where to go but here

Wade aimlessly through the current
My skin begins to prune
I crawl out, shivering, onto the banks
Lying in the fetal position,
My breath comes out in heavy clouds
My fingertips are pathetic raisins,
Looking fresh and unused

Where shall I go from here?
There is up the mountain or back into the water
And in gazing up the rocky, treacherous slope
My mind wimpers for my bare, soft feet
Instead, I shall put off my travels
There is no time where I wish to exist
And with a mighty heave,
I dive back into the waters
Dive back into the confusion,
Jump into a world so clear and so cloudy
The water pounds my skull
And I can only swim

Swim in a freedom dictated only by me
Swim alone in a world so open
I leap and dive and spin
Beneath the waves
You all shall leave my mind and I will swim alone

Glowing Earth

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Sow the seeds of hope
Into the young of heart
And the open of mind
Share the splendor of love
With the children
And the adults
There is much to see in this world
And such a short time to see it
You live to die
How depressing it sounds
But you still have to LIVE
Take the time in your life
And love
And laugh
And share with those
What makes you happy
Share with them all
Why you are here
Why you are still standing
Why you fight to smile
And do what you want

There is more than work and school
There is adventure,
New people and new experiences
New places and new activities
Or if anything
The same shit
And a different, better mindset
On my good days,
Everything has a glow
Doesn’t it?

It glows of good intentions and happiness
Of a healthy world and sound mind
It glows of wonder and fantastic possibilities
You just have to reach out and pick a card
Yes, I will ____________

Put on your dancing shoes
We’ll head out west
And kick our heels at the sun
Put on your diving suits
We’ll head to the beach
And play in the water
Nothing can bring us down
Not when I’m here
So take my hand and we’ll go
Wherever you want
Wherever screams at you
We’ll travel and fly
And race across mountains
Across deserts and oceans

This life is here for us,
This earth a playground
Meet me on the jungle gym
And I’ll show you a recess
You’ve never dreamed of

Cracked

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Lift my chin, 
Demand eye contact
And as they meet,
I wonder if you see it too
Cracks in my windshield
I can’t see that clearly
Your face is broken, the movie a blur
But I can feel your touch
Crystal clear
The cracks are old,
Just stretching with time
From old abuses,
Rocks thrown up
But I’ve made it down the road
And here I am
To curl up in your embrace
Squeeze your hand
Hiding under your chin from the scary parts
And grinning like a fool

Intoxicating? Perhaps.
Invigorating? Definitely.
Confusing? Not necessarily.
Surprising? Absolutely.

So hold my hand
And lets just relax
I’m tired of planning ahead,
And trying to see where I’m going
It’s difficult and frustrating
But laying here with you,
I can breathe
And it’s nice

Flee With the Wind

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She comes out from behind the shady blocks of gray

The grass suddenly glistens in the burst of light

The world seems to hug this blast of energy

Warming up slowly, one has to smile

Embrace the sunshine, open my arms

You’ll find me in the waist-high grass

Spinning in circles, picking blue-bonnets

Aching to follow that paved road leading to nowhere

It could take me somewhere

Can’t stay still, can’t be content for so long

I feel the restlessness creeping in

That peaceful sleep which graced me has faltered

Laying, tossing and turning, thinking of those people

Those unmet smiles and unshaken hands

What of those cows hiding in the brush?

What of the unexplored antique stores?

What of the other small towns?

I can wiggle in anywhere and make a place for myself

Why can’t I leave?

I tied myself down, thinking it would bring smiles to others

I know it will pass my face and touch it gently

I will smile, to appease the audience

Inside, my heart yearns to flee

I’m not scared

There’s just so much to see and record

So much to photograph and write about

So much to gather and show others

So much to share

Service Engine Light

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Eyes stretch open against the bright curtains
Feel the bones settled, unwilling to start
Gears caught, oil needing a change
A forgotten machine, in desperate need of attention

Force everything into motion
Vision wavers as it scans the surroundings
Exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale
Forward, hup!
A new dawn, a new day
The same as every day

Seek out the driving force
The small spark, buried within my chest
Flickering weakly, pushing me forward
There is more, there is more
Where is more?
I have sought for meaning
I have sought for purpose
Machines need direction

Actions and rituals, plateau of life
No visible progress
Another day in this town
Another day passes by in a daze
Service engine light
Blinking rapidly, it too broken

Get into the car
Holding my life in my two hands
Beneath a ring of plastic and rubber,
Connected to a speed machine
Windows recede and the wind enters
Here is the joy so sought after
I am flying

There may seem to be nothing accomplished
Following a broken yellow line
Racing past fence posts, through county lines
Wave to others, soar over hills
Lose my stomach on the drops
Swing back to consciousness
Gasp as the wheel jerks to avoid obstacle after obstacle
Laugh as freedom brushes my lips
Smile with the sudden independence
No one relies on my appearance, I rely on no one
I fly again, free as a bird yet stuck to the ground

Only to come back, to the bed where I began
Take the key from the ignition
Bones settle back into rest
Gears slow and grind to a halt
Service engine light temporarily ignored
Wait for tomorrow, when all thoughts and actions repeat once more

Spider’s Rainbow

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Strands of colors,

Wispy tendrils of blue, gray, green, yellow

The whole rainbow extends beyond my chest

Delicate strand of a spider web

Holds it close to me

Preventing departure

Connected on the other side, my soul

My heart, aching and throbbing within the cavity,

To follow those brilliant colors

Every minute of every hour

In the peripheral vision, almost forgotten

Floating back to remind me

Stuck

Why did I stick myself here?

There’s so much pleasure to be found here

So many people, so many wonderful things

To grace my knowledge, to touch my lips

Yet

There’s so much I haven’t met

There’s so much to reach out to

Those bluebonnets are just beyond my reach

They wave their leaves, almost as if saying goodbye

Don’t say goodbye

One day

One day I will be able to follow those

Strands of colors,

Wispy tendrils of blue, gray, green, yellow

The whole rainbow [that] extends beyond my chest

Stone

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Sitting silently

The stone an admirable character

Heartbeat betrays the motionless

A solid beat in the night

Racing with the wind

Confined inside a cage of bone

Only extremes could set it free

Captor left in the cold

 

Sitting silently

The stone an inspiration and an envy

Dwelling upon those demented thoughts

Those what ifs, could’ves, should’ves, might have been

The possibilities spell out disaster

And the brightest hope

In this concrete forest

Materialism forms the purpose for living

 

Sitting silently

The stone an anchor, the prisoner, and the only hope

Wind strives to steal her away

With the hair in her face she cries

A tension she can’t explain

An indescribable release she can’t verbalize

To be free, to go on a whim

Spontaneity to expect and enjoy

 

Sitting silently

The stone a seat, promising to not give way

A seat to fall back into

When life sweeps her up in its spontaneous motions

And she’s let down at the end

To revel in the joy of no planning

The experience to jot down

The memories to bring a smile, when the caged feeling emerges

 

One day, I won’t need that stone

One day, I’ll be free

It just takes a little patience

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