Tag Archives: apologies

Highways and Heartbreaks

Posted on by

Take me somewhere quiet Unbroken Horse
Take me somewhere beautiful
Take me somewhere with air
Take me somewhere with water
Take me somewhere warm
Take me somewhere happy
Take me somewhere inspiring
Take me somewhere intriguing

Take me out of this metal pile of disgust, hatred and impatience
Take me from this city and put me in a field
Take me off these highways and heartbreaks

Take me to a sandy spot, with water and a breeze
Take me to a cozy spot, with hay and a cabin
Take me to a high up spot, with snow and a dream

As the numbers float in circles behind my eyes
Twisting inside my dreams and running across my words
The bills have risen higher and higher
The morning sun seems harsher and harsher
The boredom makes me angrier and angrier
The heats sinks me lower and lower
The stress tears my sanity farther and farther

I did it again, in case you were wondering,
I kept my words unspoken and my thoughts under lock and key
I let them loose only to convey I was close to breaking
I was told by one person,
“You won’t ever change, Jordan. You’re always going to keep things to yourself.
You’re never going to fully trust anyone and people are going to give up on you.
Not everyone’s going to stick around and wait you out to the breaking point every time.”
I guess it’s about time I admitted they were right.

I have improved though. I talk a lot more. I show a lot more. I cry a lot more as a result.
I no longer explode in a manner to rival that of a nuclear bomb. 
But it still caught up to me today and I slipped up
In a manner that ashamed me and insulted him entirely
Almost called in to work so I could go hide in another city for a couple hours.
But I’m back at work.
Wishing desperately I was hiding.
But I can’t run again.

Running, hiding, turning the tables and remaining a stoic figure, unwilling to listen to brutal honesty about my actions and how they affected others. That is what I did for too many years. I listened but never in front of people. I listened and cried to myself. Now, right now, all I want to do is go hide for a few days. I didn’t even screw up that bad! Yet, I know the level of insult it delivered and I can see his face behind my eyelids, angry, hurt, and wishing that punching a wall would make it all go away.

I want to go to another town.
I want to get in my car and drive.
I want to disappear on a back road.

But despite what I want to do, I want more to keep him around for the rest of my life. Running and hiding won’t make that happen.

Little One & Jennyzilla

Posted on by

Is it worth it?
Three years ago, I might’ve said no.
I might’ve  just walked away
Thinking no one would notice

But I didn’t, I maintained connection,
Not well, I’m ashamed to admit
But they stayed in my mind,
And randomly, a memory would cause me to reach out
Just to say hello and I miss you

Months went by, then years

Jojo, Little One, & Jennyzilla 2011

Promises to come visit never fulfilled
And then, after breaking hearts and raising hell,
I finally came home

I was scared of rejection,
And being resented for never coming by
For dropping off the face of the planet
Due to drinking my solitude away and seeking a friend
Thinking that I was finally living my life
But finding myself, curled in a blanket every night
Wanting my companions of old
To sit and talk

So I put on a brave face,
Put aside my false pride
And picked up the phone,
Beginning with an apology
And asking for a friendship back that I had taken for granted

When we were once more all in the same room,
Our three minds fell back into our old patterns
Swept up in the happiness that I hadn’t realized was missing
There weren’t resentments, just some tears at my absence

Slowly, we talked, laughed and reminisced,
Shared our three years of separation
And reveled in how we’ve grown but still stayed the same
Carrying memories of us in the heart

I felt my bones begin slipping back into place,
My muscles began to tingle, eager to stand up
My skin held on carefully, keeping me in check
And I felt the cracks throughout my life
Begin to finally heal

I finally jumped up after months of subtle support
And smiling, turn out my hands
To hold onto my two girls,
Who smile at my drunk moments,
Slap me on the head when I act stupid,
And offer unconditional friendship

I missed you ladies so much while I was gone.
Being back, and having y’all back in my life
Showed me that everything could be ok
And that it’s alright to break down and ask for help
I can’t do it on my own

Little One & Jennyzilla, you helped me
Once more regain my old self
And laugh with everything I have

In August, it will be ten years,
And we will continue counting until we can breathe no more
Together, we will ride to hell
And lord help the devil himself,
When we get down there, it’s going to be crazy

<3

Cage Within a Bird

Posted on by

*I published this several months ago and took it down for reasons known to myself. But I still like how it was put together and the emotion that I threw behind it. So I’m putting it back up, for poetic reasons rather than a message.

**This no longer applies to my current situation. Just for clarification.

–

I look and within that all-knowing glance
I feel the sorrow that has torn from within
Twisted, burned arms wrench
From beneath the gut and pierce through a raspy throat
A sorrow so overwhelming 
For what I have done,
There will never be enough apologies
But what is done is done

Perhaps it is a set up designed to fail
Perhaps the blueprints are off scale
Should I run from this as I have before?
But in fear, nothing will be accomplished
In a backbone delivered generation through generation
I will sit up straight,
Break the fingers that hold the throat closed
And with a guarded tongue,
All shall be spoken in truth

I cannot tell you that I will fall into your arms
I cannot tell you I shall once more kiss such lips

Instead, I can tell you I shall look upon you
And I will smile
For a cage within a bird
Lies a smaller bird, just as eager for flight
In lapsing time, freedom shall remain mine
But we can smile together
And know what lies in our hearts